Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
At least life still wants to fuck me.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
