Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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