when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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