so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
There's always time for handjobs
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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