I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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