Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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