The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
