I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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