If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize