I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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