honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
