so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
