I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
