I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
