People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
