I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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