I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
