Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
