I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
