I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
