there's paper in my vomit.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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