im drinking this country out of the recession.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize