i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
