I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Randomize
