I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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