dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
