We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
