So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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