I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
