my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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