i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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