I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
