the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
