why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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