I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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