I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
