Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
