I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
