i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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