She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
