Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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