Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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