I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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