I'm really into asian looking animals
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
