I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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