I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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