Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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