Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
