I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
