I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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