Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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