Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
