I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
We have so much sex to catch up on
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
