She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
