They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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