I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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