handjob tips. give me some.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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